I want words to express the beauty,
want them to flow freely
from mind to hand to paper
to define me.
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Feb
15
2009
Words
Feb
05
2009
Sweetened Life
I’ll be looking at the world
through a different set of eyes
and feeling things more intensely
like I’m a little more alive.
I’ll be basking in the sunshine
as emerged from hibernation,
touching the cool sweet earth
to re-acquaint with the sensations.
I’ll make up for all this lost time
and visit all my friends.
There’ll be hugs and tears all around
as I begin to make amends,
and catch up on what’s been going on
forced detachment now no longer,
so confirmed how wonderful friends are
and my friendships have grown stronger.
Life’s sweetness will then seem to be
just a little bit more sweetened
and music’s musicality
will be a little bit more heightened
Of the oceans, mountains, deserts, rivers
I’ll be a little more appreciative
for my time away from all of these
confirmed what it means to live.
But the sweetness of that freedom
will come with challenges all its own.
I’ll be returned to face problems that
in my extrication have been unknown.
Loose ends that will need tying up
to restart where I left off.
Pieces waiting to be picked up ,
for of life’s sweet moments there’s never enough
So with trepidation and remorse
will I take leave of this place,
and with excitement and the will to rise
to whatever I will face
That happy moment coming soon
wherein I will be free,
to rejoin the world I’ve been plucked out of
to restart my life as me.
Dec
14
2008
Observation
At a loss for words,
I sit, observe.
There’s much here to which
I cannot relate;
I observe
and contemplate
the mental anguish
of a body discordant
with self-image,
as in these wild,
possessed,
gender-obsessed
anomalous human beings.
Alone,
one hundred other souls
surround me.
None kindred,
social graces hindered,
some lacking civility, will;
a preponderant immaturity
in their quest for
attention and promiscuity.
I understand
from them I must learn.
And yet, I still yearn
to be away from this place
to be where there’s a trace
of normality to placate
my need for conversation,
mental stimulation,
instead of here where I
observe,
contemplate.
Yet this heavy disdain
serves no purpose.
Is it my jealousy?
Am I worthless
in this situation?
In none I see qualities
I would idolize or emulate
or be desirous to participate.
So I observe.
And am led by what I see
to disdain,
detachment;
a callous assessment
of where it went wrong.
I don’t understand or
relate to these throngs.
And what is it I learn?
(the observations causing consternation)
I am as imperfect as any.
My imperfections
are my own,
as are theirs.
Though I may take measure
of myself by my imperfections,
I must measure others
by their strengths.
So I sit,
observe,
contemplate.
Participate?
In that to which I can’t relate?
One more imperfection
I must remediate.
Jul
28
2007
My Foundation
You are my foundation;
As you crumble, I fall.
I see you bent and dying.
I see you weak and alone.
I try to reach out, to protect you,
in a sallowing hope that
this battle can be won,
together.
Grasping at retreats, I am tired.
I escape, rejuvenate, but
am drawn back in, returning to
the fate to which I am
forever committed.
These walls bind and blind me;
I cannot see a future or path
from within them;
I must leave, but cannot.
I am nothing without my foundation.
As you crumble, I fall.
Why did you allow
this festering sore
this malfeasant practice,
this self-destruction of heart and mind
to grow and grow?
Why did I?
You destroy yourself.
But you are my foundation:
As you crumble, I fall.
Only the emptiness we face together,
can overcome that we face alone.
Only the support we give each other
can bridge the empty chasm before us;
Only you are my foundation
As you rebuild yourself,
I stand tall.
Jan
11
2007
Trajectories
Without warning,
at least any that I’d heeded,
the year was buried into the past,
a remnant of my spirit’s growth,
a stepping stone along the way,
a shining note on the stave of life.
I latch onto memories, sort and distribute,
reaffirm and adjust,
and figure the trajectories onto which
I’ve launched myself.
Open doors, closed doors;
some in front, some behind,
I’m lost in the present moment
— directionless —
calculating life’s trajectories
in this tempest of a night.
I’d glance askancely,
the calculations leading nowhere;
Calculations become the empty dreams
that fade away
leading me not to some far-flung dream illusion
in which I’d frolic,
but to where I am,
where I’m going,
into another year;
A trajectory
towards tomorrow.
Jul
16
2005
Euthenize Me
Please euthanize the body that you see
because that body will no longer be me
I am the one travelling about the country,
having fun,
growing and defying the illness of age
the illnesses I’ve faced.
But that body that you will see
on a bed in a room in a facility,
that’s not me.
It was the tool that allowed me
to pursue my dreams
It was the tool that gave me
the ability to be free
but it is not me.
So euthanize me,
I implore
When this life has come
to a timely end.
If you are my friend,
you will help sever all the ties
between my spirit and the body
that lies
near lifeless,
asleep
comatose
so deep
that is not me.
Please set me free.
Jul
07
2005
Hearing Me
I heard you hearing me
Though your eyes were closed.
into some mystery.
I heard you hearing me
as my heart sung out”
“it’s OK to be free!”
For the suffering
has taken its toll
and it’s shared by those
who love you and know
that this shell
that’s lying here
is not what’s hearing me
as I declare
that life is a precious
but temporary thing
and an end or a change
or whatever death brings
is inevitable for us all
and it’s not easy to face.
And with my heart
I hear you,
hearing me
as I say
It’s OK to be free
to go on from this place…
It’s OK for you to leave now
that this body, now emaciated
has served you so well
and brought your friends joy
by housing the spirit
of a happy little boy
who grew to the man
that I called my friend.
You, hearing me,
as you face this end
this change,
this place,
This time to depart
from this human race.
Now your body has served you well
It’s done it’s part,
and with all the blessings
that we can bestow,
we, your friends,
the family, the ones that you know
will hold you dear forever and more
Because that is what friendship is for.
And the loss
it hurts,
But it’s a loss only on the surface
for deep down within
I can hear you
hearing me
as I say these things…..
May
23
2005
Leaders
In consequence of actions
of ground-breaking dissatisfaction
I find myself elated
with the things I find so stated
Eloquently,
by the leaders
who would never even need us
but for the votes and causes
into which The issue draws us
to vote
and pass amendments
to a code
that has thus far led us
on a path
of self-destruction
in defence
of perceived freedoms
that have been tainted
by the greed
and lust
and must
therefore
lead to distrust
in the leaders for whom we’ve voted.
And I cannot lay down
burdened by the
politics that led us here
in a place that is uncannily
drear
for I’ve left those things behind
thoughts of freedom
of this mind
and gone
and lost
forsaken.
Only left
is the mistaken
thoughts that led us to here
a place so filled with
drear
May
22
2005
I miss you
I miss the simple days
and I miss you
And I miss the old ways
and I miss you
I miss the frolick and play
and I miss you
I miss myself today
because I miss you